Hayat's POV

21 July 2021
01:39 AM

Dear Diary,

Eid-Ul-Adha Mubarak.

Chand Mubarak actually, as eid is tomorrow morning. I just completed applying henna on my hands. I wasn't in the mood to, but welp! Periods can make you turn up in seconds. Yeah, it is my first day today. Periods suck on a festival. I don't wanna ruin my new suit :'(

Anyways, I usually listen to songs while applying henna to pass time easily without getting tired. So, in the midst of the playlist, the song 'shayad' brought back many memories.

I am missing him.
Again.

I always try not to think about him, but he keeps on popping up in my mind one way or the other. It's been 2 months and 10 days since we last talked.

I am not counting days, Duh!

I know that because that's the gap between 'Eid-Ul-Fitr' and 'Eid-Ul-Adha'.

I don't know what should I call this feeling. Sometimes I don't think about him at all, and sometimes he is all I can think of.

Just like now.

Maybe it's because of mood swings? Plus sad songs and a lonely night.

Am I in love with him?
Or am I just missing him?

I'm just going crazy I guess. It's not love. I'm just missing him that's it. But why?

Why him?

So many friends came and went, but no one lingered in the back of my mind like him. No one pops up in every small thing, every song, every talk, like him.

I don't want to name this feeling 'love'.

You know what? In today's time, everyone has gotten a coward in the context of loving someone. They don't have the guts, to take the risk and responsibility.

I haven't met a single guy who is brave enough to fall in love and abide by it. Take complete responsibility, and say that 'yes, I do love you a lot, and I will try my best to make you mine.' That man, who have guts, who is ready to take a stand for you, and who never leaves you alone.

I guess he hasn't come yet.
Stuck on his way?
Where the heck are you!?
Just come already!

I don't know if I'm hopelessly romantic or what? But I believe my soulmate will come one day, who will love me fearlessly and cherish me.

But at the same time, it feels so unreal. Will someone love me this much and go head over heels for me? Do I really deserve it? Or does it only happens in movies, novels, and poems? Just in fiction life?

Maybe I shouldn't even expect from him too. Because expectation gives pain and nothing else.

So, I just have hope in almighty that's it. I only ask him because he never fails to give anything.

Okay, I'm off to sleep. It's 2:13 AM already. Bye~

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A week passed

Since yesterday morning I'm having a cough. I thought it would go away but in vain. So I decided to have a spoonful of honey.

It does wonders.

As I savored its taste, I remembered how he was making excuses because he forgot to take honey for his cough.

~~~~~

"Your cough hasn't gone yet? Didn't you take honey as I said?" I asked him noticing his coughing.

"No, because I was confused."

"Why?"

"You didn't mention the size of the spoon."

"Arey! Any spoon you have!"

"But which one? What if I took a serving spoon? My cough would be gone but I would end up vomiting."

"Uffo," I pinched my nose.

~~~~

"Him and his lame jokes," I mumbled and shook my head.
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*******

Dear Diary

3 Aug 2021
6:14 PM

I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been crying since yesterday. My mood is off for 2-3 days and couldn't seem to do anything. Everything seems dull. I couldn't concentrate on anything nor I'm confident in my work. Jannah gave me some things to write but she didn't like them and said to try again. Even after trying 2-3 times she still rejected. Either I have forgotten how to write or she is in a bad mood. I need to try harder, but all I can do is cry right now.

The fact since 2-3 days he is on my mind, the person whom I'm trying to forget for so long. I can't describe what he has left behind with me.

I know it sounds stupid but sometimes I think what if any miracle happens and he becomes mine?

Fuck Hayat, don't tell me you are in love with him.

But just think about it. What if any connection builds up and we end up being engaged? But that's nearly impossible. C'mon he is from a different caste. And even if he is in my relation, what's a big deal? He is already shipped with his cousin.

Why are you even thinking about it Hayat? Nothing is going to happen like this.

He's gone Hayat.
He's gone.
He's gone for good.

You will get much better soon. Your soulmate hasn't arrived yet. The moment he will enter your life, you will forget everything else. You would be too busy with him.

But you know why Murat was different? Because he made me feel things like no one else. Honestly, he treated me like a princess. Till the end, he was worried about me so that I don't end up getting attached to him, because it would have hurt me afterward. He started behaving rudely deliberately to maintain distance between us. But little did he know, I keep intentions and feelings above actions.

When he came into my life, it felt like all my wishes came true, that 'He is the same person I have always wanted and prayed for'.
Our bonding was so perfect. But fate wasn't in our favor.

This is my first love story which had mutual feelings. That's why it hurts more.

It's been almost 3 months since the cutoff. I wonder if he still thinks about me. Still, misses me?

Do you know what was his shortfall?
He fell in love but with fear in the back of his mind. Otherwise, he would have tried to be together and wouldn't be so hopeless.

Maybe that's why he isn't my soulmate.
My soulmate would be on my level. Just like I'm ready to fight for the person I love, he would be too. He wouldn't just walk with me only on the easy path, instead, he would grab my hand tight, even on the difficult ones.

Every path has a price of its own.
Murat chose the easy path, but the price was sacrificing his feelings. If he would have chosen to make his feelings a priority, he would have had to tackle many obstacles in his way. But is it even love if you don't have to go through problems?

Is it even love if it doesn't test you?

Anyways, it's his decision. At least, I have no regrets. I gave my best and got wonderful memories in return, with meaningful lessons.

I'm done with this shit now. I guess it was all bottled up inside me which resulted in making me vulnerable. But now I'm feeling so light and better after getting this out of myself.

At the end whatever happened, happened for good. If I wouldn't have met him I wouldn't have known that some bonds are made for only a specific period. So enjoy it as much as you can, make the best out of it, and live your present to the fullest. You never know if you will meet someone again or not.

Also, whatever I said about 'getting him through a miracle', if he is my soulmate, if he is written in my fate, he will be mine one day, whatsoever. And if his name is not written, then no matter how close we will get, he would never be mine. In the end, everything is in the hands of the Almighty.

I don't even want to especially ask him from almighty now :-/

Heck yeah! I'm feeling soooo better.

No grudges for everyone. Everyone has their own story, their own POV. I hope he is safe and sound wherever he is.

This will pass too.

But still, he will always have a special place in my heart.
The song 'Shayad' will always represent us.
The code '2322' will always symbolize us.
Want to know the back story behind it?
It's the age gap between us LMAO. 2 years, 2 months, and 23 days. We made it our secret code just in case.

Hah!
Good old days.

Hum kuch naa hokar bhi sab kuch the.
(We were nothing to each other, but still everything at the same time.)

Anyways, see ya later. Bye~

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A month later

"I don't know how many times I have watched the movie 'Veerzara', but nowadays I relate to it a lot," I said to Zoe as we were walking on the terrace in the evening.

"Yeah. It has become your favorite movie," she replied.

"I know right? Especially those scenes when they met out of nowhere, made memories, and then parted ways with heavy hearts."

She gave me an understanding smile and intertwined our arms.

"Sometimes, I want to believe in this line which Shahrukh said, 'hum sirf yahan tak aane ke liye to nahi mile the. Kuch or hona baki tha'."
(We didn't come all the way till here just to say goodbye. There is a lot more left to happen)

"Woahhh. You remember every line by heart."

I chuckled at her reaction.

"Somewhere deep inside his heart, he knew that and he had a feeling about it. And that's what I feel too. Maybe, it's not finished yet."

"Maybe," Zoe imitated my tone and we both laughed.

"Uff. I would neverrr get boredd with this movie. I can watch it countless timess and still cry on the song 'Do Pal' ," (two moments) I said in a dramatic voice and leaned on her shoulder.

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