"Aren't we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that they'll tell us that we made sense?"
- Rudy Francisco.

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.

I close my door to change into the night suit. It has been two days since I met him, but there hasn't been a second when the flashbacks don't engulf me, taking me back into his arms. Specially the way my body is behaving now.

Aftermath of meeting him.

Even though I'm still virgin, but I'm kinda sore because of all those attempts we had. My lower lip is still swollen too.

And that hickey he gave me....

I remove my top and turns towards the mirror, touching the art he made on my left boobie. It's on the upper side, so it's visible through the bra. I ran my hand slowly towards my neck, delicately touching every spot he kissed while closing my eyes.

His brown eyes flashed infront of me, looking at me with softness.

I open my eyes and shake my head with a hint of smile, getting back to wearing my night suit.

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8th February 2022
3:12 PM

Dear diary,
It's been a year since we entered into each other's life. Just how fast the time flies. I still remember how we started talking. It had been two days of continuous talk on Insta, and I was enjoying making him laugh.

"God, you're so funny," he said followed by another dialogue. I don't remember it exactly but it was something like "you feel so familiar, like we have been friends since forever."

Uff.
Those precious days.
If someone had told me I would be dating this guy on whom I was crushing so hard? I wouldn't have believed it. But here we are.

Well back to present, it's been a week since we met and we haven't talked. More like he hadn't responded to any SMS of mine.
Except once.
I wonder what he is up to?
Where is he?
Has he seen my messages yet?

Last night I saw a post on Instagram saying 'what does it mean when a guy ghosts you after the first meeting', and it was full of negative shit. I brushed it off and slept.

But now I'm wondering what if it's true? What if he is really ghosting me?
But then again, maybe he is genuinely stuck somewhere in a problem. I have no proof to give any conclusion yet.

C'mon Hayat you know him.

I think I should stop taking Instagram as my life guide. Also, maybe that post was meant for those couples who have just met. Because on a normal scale of life, people go on first date right after knowing for a week or month. And then if they don't wanna continue that thing, they ghost the other person. Most importantly, they lack emotional connection.

Whereas here, we weren't just a week old acquaintances. We took months or can say a year to build up an emotional connection and then decided to meet.

So yes, not one conclusion is suitable for all situations. First we gotta see the background story. Hence, every situation needs different conclusion according to the facts.

Anyways.

I miss you Janab
Oh, I miss you so much.
I hope you are safe wherever you are. And I hope you reach out to me soon.

I stare at my diary, re-reading the words I just wrote again and again, and finally close it down.

I think I should take a nap.

Slouching back on the comfy mattress, I snuggle inside the blanket, closing my eyes.

.
.

My phone vibrated making me half conscious but I ignored it. My nap was almost over but that doesn't mean I want to wake up.
It vibrated again.
Must be airtel.
But they don't sms twice in a row.
I turn around sleepily and switched on the screen.

5:12 PM
New SMS received 10 minutes ago
Xiao Nai
Free?
Call?

My eyes snapped open as I sat up straight instantly.

Ouch
This vein in my neck.
I lightly tap my shoulder, tilting my neck while typing down the message.

Yes.
Just a minute.

I rubbed my eyes and called him.

"Assalamualaikum." His familiar voice melts in my ear, making me smile.

"Walaikum assalam." I replied slowly, as my brain was taking time to restart.

"You okay?"

"Yes." I yawned. "Just woke up and saw your message."

"Ohh. How are you?"

"I'm good, alhamdulillah, you?"

"Alhamdulillah, me too."

"Hmmm." I rubbed my eye, "Where were you vanished?

"Well... Something came up at work... So I was just busy handling it."

"I see."
See. It's just work.
My intrusive thoughts were indeed just intrusive.

"By the way I got one work for you. Tell me if you are interested."

"Hmm." I covered my mouth to stop yawning.

"Have you ever written something in UK tone?"

"Yukay tone?" My eyebrows scrunched. "What's that?"

"Arey. The tone Britishers use. UK tone. The way they use English."

"Ohhhh UK toonee." I slap my forehead, finally able to process it. "Nope. Why?

"The content is about some furniture and the client is from UK. So you have to use UK tone while writing. Because target audience are Britishers na?"

"Hmmmmmmm Okay." I tap my chin. "Word limit?"

"Around 20 thousand words."

"20 thousand!" My eyes popped open, sleep vanishing away completely.
Ain't no way I'm gonna do that.

"Yes. The format will be given by them."

"Okay." I said in an unsure voice.
Should I do it?
If the client is a Britisher then of course I will be paid in pounds.
But will I be able to do it?
I have barely started to write 1k words per day (with lots of crying), how will I cope up with 20k words?

I mumbled, "Send me a demo or something and I will see."

"That can't happen sadly because they won't send in-depth details before signing the contract."

I made a pout. "Oh."

"Yeah I need permission for that."

"Alright then..."
Bad deal
Bad deal

"Hmm. So?"

I pursued my lips, rethinking my decision for the 10th time mentally. "I will skip it. 20k words seems too much."

"Sochlo. Pakka?" (Are you sure?)

"Umm. Pakka." (Umm. Yes fully sure.)

"Alright."

"Hmm." I crashed back onto my pillow but my mind wasn't yet done with the debate.
But just think about it.
Pounds!!
Maybe I can do it?

"I have a question."

"Hmm?"

"What will be the deadline?" I asked.

"3-4 days."

"Damn. Then leave it. The pressure is too high."
It's definitely out of my league.
Nope
Nope

"Okay. I will inform you if anything else comes up." He reassured me.

"Sure."

"Okay"

I felt as if he was about to cut the call so I hurried up, "Listen."

"Ji?"

"Are you.." I squeezed my eyes shut. "Are you busy? Can we talk for few minutes."

"Yep sure. I'm on my way home. I do have 15 mins though."

"Okay. Good."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah everything is fine. It's been days so I just..." I trailed off, not able to complete the cringey sentence I had in my mind.
I just missed you alot and wanted to eat your brain. And dont forget the part where I was craving your touch all over again.

"Hmm. These days have been really hectic. The work pressure was really high."

"I see."

"Yeah. How about you?"

"Nothing special." I shrugged. "I was thinking of doing random research for part time jobs."

"And?"

"But I didn't."

"Why?"

"I thought maybe you will send me some work." I mumbled while playing with the string that was about to come off from the blanket's edge. "So how will I cope up with two things at a time."

"Ohh. Well, I will inform you if anything comes up. You can start with your research in the meantime if you want."

"Hmmmm. I will have to make CV first. I get so lazy just by thinking about it...." I stretched myself while chuckling and the convo trailed off for next few more mins as we got lost in our little bubble once again.

........

Few days later

It was almost 11 at night and I was roaming around on the terrace for 10 minutes with a mental war going on inside my mind.

Should I say it?
Or not?
But relationship is all about communication. He won't know what I want until I speak it out.

Well, after lots and lots of debating, or you can say overthinking, I finally clicked the voice note section, recording my message.

"I know you dont like endearments. But I do. And I call you sometimes, you know that too. But...sometimes I do crave some too.."

Wtf, are you rhyming a poem or what?

"....umm I don't know... I don't want to say anything stupid. But seriously..... it still feel so unreal that we are actually together. It's just so hard to digest it.... I don't why I'm rambling." I chuckled and took a deep breath, trying to calm my voice.

"Anyways. So here's a thing. More like a request. It's up to you if you want to accept it or not. I would really love it if you will call me 'this one word', you know. It may sound cringy but well... I like it lol."

I release my thumb from the screen, sending the voice note at Telegram and grabbed my head.

What the fuck is happening to you Hayat?
What are you so afraid of?
Why is your heart beating so fast?
He isn't gonna eat you up!

I don't know why I'm getting so cautious around him.
Maybe it's all my overthinking.

Or fear of losing him by my tiniest mistake.
Again.

Or making him angry.
Again.

Or just...
I don't know.

My phone vibrated indicating a new message.

Xiao Nai

F.
M.
L.

'It was a 2 minute recording but you didn't utter the word you wanted me to say,' his text said.

I slapped my forehead.
I sent such a long voicenote but haven't said that word.
WHAT THE FUDGE!
He's gonna see me as some stupid for sure.

'Umm,' I typed, feeling flustered just by thinking about that endearment.

'???' He replied.

'I don't want to annoy you or something.
You'll find it cringy'

'Just say it.
And why would I get annoyed by you?'

'Idk'

'you know, now you're annoying me, by thinking too much. Just say it'

'Okay.' My fingers froze while typing as coldness kept crawling over every inch of my body with each passing second.

God!
What the heck is wrong with you Hayat?

'It's meri jaan.' I finally sent him, face palming myself.

'That's it?' he replied.

'Yeah.'

'Okay I will call you that. Anything else?' he replied so calmly.

'No'

'Why were you overthinking about it?'

'You don't like these things so I thought maybe you'll be annoyed I'm being clingy or what.'

'Do you remember when I undressed you?' his out of context reply made my mind blank.

Wait-
...wut?

'where did that come from?'
My brain, which was running at 10x speed, just halted.
But my heart? Oh dear.
It started running at 20x speed.

'Just answer me'

I forced my fingers to type as blood rushed to my face, 'Umm yeah.'
Thank God we weren't talking on videocall.

'Remember when I kissed you?'

Flashbacks continued to hit me as I closed my eyes. The cold frozen limbs were starting to get warmer once again. 'Are we sexting?' I couldn't help but laugh.

'and when I made you touch me?'

'Yeah I remember everything. But why are you asking it all?'

'after everything that has happened between us, do you think there's anything still left you should be worrying about?'

I closed my eyes, mentally slapping myself.

'...no' I replied.

'Then? Why do you overthink so much?'

My breath was getting calmer. But my eyes? They started welling up.
Oh dear.
I'm having such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, transferring from one to another in seconds.

THESE DUCKING MOOD SWINGS!!

But he handled it so well.
Oh God! I loved the way he consoled me.

'Idk, I just think I'm too clingy or annoying you.' I typed with blur vision.

'Tum pagal ho' (You're an idiot.)

'Shayad.' (maybe)

'I get annoyed when you overthink too much, and keep it inside yourself. Not when you clearly say everything to the point. You want something? Say it.'

He makes everything sound so simple.
What did I do to deserve him?

'Yeah I will. From now on.' I nodded as if he can see.

'Good girl.' He replied as butterflies started fluttering in my belly.

Why do I feel like he would have kissed me if I was in front of him right now?
I wish I was.
That would be so fictional.

I face palmed while crying and laughing at the same time like an idiot.

Which I was.
An idiot.

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.
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*******